Real Talk: Can I Go Back To School?

I really struggle with being an adult, and I often mull over it, and sometimes cry over it. I don’t like the responsibility, I don’t like making big decisions, and I definitely don’t like the boring aspects like cleaning ;) But in all seriousness the other evening I cried on my way to work again and thought I should try and lay it out in a post.

I often wish I could go back to my school days. I loved school. And I don’t want to go back to when I was 5 or 6 and mum literally did everything for me, but I’d happily go back to my teens and relive secondary school over and over. I was very fortunate through school and I had some great achievements in my time there too. I went on many school trips to wonderful places, I performed with choirs and bands and we performed in Eisteddfods and won competitions, I was even Head Girl in my final year.

Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely a few things I would do a bit differently: open up to my friends more about my mental health, choose different A Levels, never get together with that boyfriend that definitely should not have been… But on the whole I enjoyed every year of the 7 that I spent there.

My friendship group was awesome. We ended up ‘claiming’ a bench outside that we would meet at every morning, we had some pretty epic birthday parties between us, and we never really had much drama which I appreciate. I loosely keep in touch with them, don’t speak to them as much as I should and definitely don’t see them as often as I’d like. I have another friend from school that wasn’t part of this group, but was a massive part of my school life. I do get to see her a couple of times a year, but still not as often as I’d like, and she has a gorgeous daughter whose childhood I’m missing out on a great deal.  – but that’s adult life, isn’t it? Slowly losing touch with what once was.

I think the main reason I have trouble expressing it all is that on the outside my life is so together. I have a respectable, professional job that I got through my first interview out of uni, I have a wonderfully loving boyfriend with whom I live and am in the process of buying our first house with, I have a nice car, I’m financially stable and I have friends around me. It’s not like things are going terrible wrong to excuse my escapist dreams of going back to childhood. I have no reason to be this sad over my life. There is no reason for other people to understand why I feel this way. I don’t understand why I feel this way.